


I'll love you long after you are gone

by marymerthur



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Drama, F/M, Fluff and Angst, whouffle
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-26
Updated: 2013-09-21
Packaged: 2017-12-21 10:06:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/899045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marymerthur/pseuds/marymerthur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clara is pregnant and the Doctor is always taking care of her, making sure both Clara and the little time lord are safe. One night, Clara wakes up in the middle of it and wakes the Doctor because she wants something sweet, more exactly: jammie dodgers. The Doctor tells her that there are none left because she ate them all the day before. </p><p>Knowing that Clara wants jammie dodgers, he wakes up and sleepy as he is he goes to buy her some from the grocery. On his way back home he sees a car and he can't avoid the accident.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Before the Worst

**Author's Note:**

> I got this idea from the internet and I developed it more or less. I really hope you like it and if it's not too much to ask, I really want you to leave a comment, a feed back, kudos - if you want - because I really need opinions on my work.  
> This is the only request that I have: feed back. 
> 
> Enjoy reading. I hope I will give you feels.

Clara rolled from her pillow to the other side of the bed, putting her hand under a colder pillow and keeping the other on her belly, making sure nothing bad happened. The quilt that covered her legs and her body was now on the floor and she had wondered how much she could possibly move so that it arrived there. She was so sleepy and all she wanted to do was fall back into her dreams where the Doctor took her to see another planet and meet some other species. The other side of the bed, where the Doctor was supposed to be sleeping was cold which meant he didn’t come to sleep. Clara opened her eyes a little and saw the light that the TV gave although she couldn’t hear any sound. 

She moved her legs slowly so that she wouldn’t disturb the lord that was growing inside her and when her feet touched the soft and ticklish material of the carpet she just smiled. It was the idea of the Doctor to get that kind of carpet because he always wanted her to wake up with a smile on her face. She couldn’t remember from what planet they took it, but this carpet was really doing its job because her smile became larger as she played with her feet in that comfy material. Clara held her hand on her belly when she finally got up from bed, being careful not to make sudden moves. She looked in the mirror from their wardrobe and she didn’t see any change. She looked exactly the same. No rounded belly, still the same skinny legs, her clothes fit perfectly. It hasn’t passed a month since she found out she was pregnant and the Doctor said she shouldn’t expect any change, but she was always worried about her baby. Always worried that something can happen during her sleep, that she may kill him with a sudden move or with a wrong turn. Looking in the mirror, she fondled her tummy. “I am going to love you so much” – she said as she got out of the room, closing the door silently and carefully going downstairs to find the Doctor. 

Clara saw the Doctor was so focused on what he was watching that he didn’t even notice when she finished walking down the stairs. He was always there to hold her hand and help her out, because sometimes he was more worried about the baby then she was. They both realized that what was growing inside her was not a baby, but a time lord and the Doctor was so excited that there was going to be another one of his race, another Time Lord who could fly his TARDIS with him and maybe, after some years he could even help his son steal his own TARDIS. Clara smiled at the memories of them cuddling on the couch, watching TV, eating fish fingers and custard and thinking about the three of them around the console, father and son pulling the levers and her just watching and waiting to be the one who opened the doors and tell them where they were. Then she just walked carefully to the door, leaning against it. 

When the Doctor saw her, he just jumped from the couch and ran to her, putting a hand on her forehead and after making sure she was not having fever he just kissed her forehead. “What’s wrong? Are you feeling bad? Do you want me to bring you something? You know that if you want something all you have to do is shout, or at least talk. I can hear you. This TV we brought from Kastopheria has this excellent ability to be mute, but not mute. And I can hear your breathing and I can hear your whispers or any sounds you make” – he said nodding with a large proud smile on his face. The Doctor put his hand over hers on her belly and kneeled so that the belly could be right in front of his lips. “How is the little Doctor doing?” – he said on a childish voice. “We are not naming him Doctor” – Clara quickly said looking down at him. The Time Lord looked up and frowned when he met her eyes. “Of course not” – he said as he looked back at the belly. He gently kissed it and then, as he put his ear on her tummy, he mumbled “Your mummy is right. We are going to love you so much” 

The Doctor got up and took her face in his hands, fondling her cheek with his thumb. “Now you need to go back to bed. The cats from the New Earth said you have to rest as much as you can, because this time lord needs all the energy and power you have. And he will exhaust you so you have to go back to bed and sleep. I don’t want you to faint or something bad happen to you or the baby, just because you are too stubborn” – the Doctor said, his voice becoming all bossy and serious. Clara just shook her head and took his hands into hers. “I am fine. Still can’t believe you took me on another planet to examine me” The Doctor laughed “The doctors from here would notice two hearts there and they will think there are two children and so they will make you lie and believe you are having twins. Once the pregnancy would develop they would notice that there is only one child and they would scare you by telling you that the other twin will probably come to this world dead” 

This was the story he always told her when she said she didn’t trust the cats from New Earth. To make him shut up she just rose on her tiptoes and kissed him, the softness of his lips making her heart beat louder as if it was the first time they kissed. He didn’t fight back and he wrapped his hands around her waist, being careful when their bodies bound not to make any sudden moves. Clara’s hands just entwined with his when their lips parted and her head rested on his chest, hearing the heartbeats of his hearts. “Is this how his heart is going to beat?” – she asked, listening carefully to every sound, counting the seconds between the heart beats. The Doctor smiled and he kissed her head, resting his chin on her soft hair. “I think. I don’t know, never had a baby before” He put his hand under her chin and raised it so that he could look right in those nut-brown eyes. She met his amber eyes, those eyes she lost herself into and to which she couldn’t refuse anything and an inevitably grin appeared on her face. “Now, go to bed” – he whispered, scared he would awake the little lord. 

Clara shook her head no, but all of a sudden she felt like she couldn’t stay on her legs anymore, like she didn’t have the necessary power to keep herself awake. She almost fell, but the Doctor was there to catch her. His eyes were big, scared of her condition, his arms were like a statue around her. For a moment she was crippled, she couldn’t speak or make any move. “You are going to bed, to rest” – he said, his voice being determined and serious. “Come with me. Please. Let’s go and sleep” – she said, her voice almost trembling. The Doctor nodded and turned off the TV using some timey remotey stuff and he took Clara’s hand into his, helping her go up in the room. 

When they arrived he quickly went to the bed and played with the pillows, making her more comfortable to sleep on. He took the quilt from the floor and then looked her like she was blaming her for getting the fluffy quilt on the floor, but she just shrugged, with an innocent smile on her face. After finishing preparing the bed, it looked like a queen was going to sleep under those sheets. The pillows were as white as the full moon which landed its light through the white curtains; the quilt was the color of a dark red, like blood and all she needed to do was jump in it. The Doctor went and put his hand around her waist, helping her move slowly. He softly laid her down on the bed, kissing her forehead and he lay down near her, watching her belly moving back and forth because of her breathing. He rested his head on his hand as she was looking at him. “I don’t need you to watch over me. I am okay. Let’s just go and sleep” – she said, glancing at him. He took the small lock of hair that was on her face and put it on the pillow and then he softly kissed her lips and nodded. 

The Doctor wrapped his hands around her waist, putting it on her tummy, over hers, both of them making sure everything was going to be right while they were asleep. Their hands entwined and on both faces there was a large smile, both of them being happy to be in each other’s arms. Their cold legs met under the fluffy quilt and Clara just opened her eyes, making sure this wasn’t a dream and the Doctor was near her and that he will always be there. “Good night, chin boy” – she whispered as she closed her eyes, moving her head closer to him so that she could hear him breathing. “Good night, my impossible girl” – he responded on his soft voice, kissing her head, resting his head in her hair. After hearing his response, Clara quickly fell asleep, knowing that both her and the baby were safe in the Doctor’s arms.


	2. End of the road

Clara opened her eyes all of a sudden because she felt the baby moving. She breathed quickly, but silently so that she wouldn’t wake the Doctor up. Their hands were still entwined and when she looked at the clock she saw that it was 4 in the morning. She tried to go back to sleep, but she wanted to eat something. The baby wanted to eat something and not normal food, because he wasn’t hungry. He needed something sweet – jammie dodgers. Clara tried to think if there were any jammie dodgers left, but she remembered eating them all with the Doctor while watching a comedy on their usual couch. She smiled at the memory, but the baby was still restless and kept moving, thing that caused her pain. Clara took the Doctor’s hand from her belly and she tried to get up, but when she made the slightest move the Doctor woke up. 

“What happened? Do you feel bad, do you want anything?” – he said, barely keeping his eyes open. Clara shook her head no. She didn’t want to make him go buy some jammie dodgers in the middle of the night. “Can’t you just wait?” – she whispered, looking down at her tummy, fondling it with both her hands, wishing he would just calm down. The Doctor got up from bed and smiled because of the carpet, the smile disappearing when he kneeled in front of Clara and took her hands into his. “Hey...hey” – he said taking the hair that was covering her face and putting it behind her ear so that he could take a look at her eyes. “What do you need?” 

Clara looked at him and when she met his eyes, she couldn’t help a grin. “I need some jammie dodgers. Well, the baby needs some jammie dodgers and I know we ran out of them, it’s just that it’s moving so much and it hurts” – she said and her eyes closed and her hands went on the belly as she tried not to groan because of the pain. The Doctor couldn’t watch her stay like this and crave for some bloody jammie dodgers. He sat near her on the bed and took her in his arms. “I am going to get you some jammie dodgers” Clara opened her eyes and trying not to cry, she managed to look at him. “It’s 4 in the morning. You are not going anywhere” – Clara said, her voice trembling, squeezing the Doctor’s hands. He laughed. “I will take the TARDIS. I will be here in five minutes. Just five minutes. I promise” The Doctor got up and kept smiling, because of the carpet and because he just wanted to make Clara feel better even though he could barely keep his eyes open. 

“Doctor?” – she managed to say as she went back under the sheets. The Doctor turned to her from the door and offered her that calm and soft smile which always assured her that everything was going to be alright. “Yes?” Clara looked at him for a moment and she just tried to stop him from leaving. She wanted to stay in his arms as much as she could, but then the little lord reminded her he wanted jammie dodgers so she just smiled. “Pull the right lever and come back five minutes after you are gone” The Doctor looked down and his smile became larger. He couldn’t say anything because he was afraid that he could yawn so he just nodded and closed the door right behind him. After the door was closed, Clara lay down on the comfortable white pillow, placed one hand on her tummy and other under the pillow and started staring at the clock from the night table. 

The Doctor went down the stairs and when he looked on the window and saw the TARDIS there, parked like the first day he came here he just remembered it has been a time since hadn’t flown it. For a moment out there he was afraid of landing on another planet, in another era, in another galaxy and get stuck there while Clara was here, counting the minutes. He wanted to keep his promise. He knew that he wouldn’t come back in five minutes because the closest grocery which was opened at this time was at 10 minutes away by car. But Clara already knew the first rule of being with the Doctor: The Doctor lies. 

He saw the car keys on the table in the hall and he took them, closing the door behind him. He was hoping that the fresh air of the night will wake him up somehow so he took a deep breath of fresh air and then smiled. The time lord ran until he saw the car parked in front of the house. Before entering the car he looked once again at the house and his look stopped on the window of their bedroom. “I said five minutes. Make it twenty” – he said with a laugh and entered the car, looking for the place where the car keys went. “Blimey car, I have driven a car before and this never happened” Clara never let him use the car, afraid that he might have an accident and she told him never to use her car. But this was an exception. This was for her and he couldn’t risk ending up in another universe, trying to go back. He finally found the place where the car key went and he slowly moved it to the right, but it didn’t work. So he moved it to the left and he heard the car engine starting. “Ha ha! There is no car that can fight with the Doctor. I am 1000 years old; you really thought I wouldn’t figure out how you work, eh?” – he said, his voice being so excited. 

After the engine started he just drove the car carefully on the road and from there he got used to it. “Focused, I need to be focused. I am focused. All I have to do is look straight and not move my hand from the wheel” – he talked to himself, squeezing the wheel. He saw a car behind him and he ignored it, but when the car honked him, he almost jumped from his sit. “Well, ignore my speed. Move! I am the only one on the road, no one is coming. For the hell of it, ignore me! I am an alien from outer space; you don’t have to honk me!” The Doctor looked quite angry, and then he looked on the little thing in front of him that showed him the speed. He was moving with 50 km/h so he didn’t understand why the car honked him. “Some humans are so stupid they don’t even deserve to be saved” The car passed by him and when it did he just mumbled “Next time I will save the world, I will exclude you!” 

While driving, the Doctor got used to the commands, to the speed, to everything a true driver had to know. He took his hands from the wheel and fixed his bowtie, being so proud it took him five minutes to learn how to drive well. He saw himself taking the jammie dodgers, telling her he learnt how to drive and that he will take her in so many places both with the TARDIS and by car. He could just see the smile on her face. He saw the car going in the wrong direction and he quickly put his hands back on the wheel and kept driving. 

He finally arrived and the grocery so he took the keys from the car – which made him think about whether he locked the door of the house or not; probably not. He shrugged and closed the door of the car as he headed to the grocery. When entering the salesman was sleeping on the chair so he just closed the door and started talking louder. “Wakey, wakey man. It’s almost five o’clock in the morning” – he said trying to wake himself up too. The boy jumped from his chair and narrowed his eyes. “Don’t look at me like that, I could have just taken what I wanted and then leave. Appreciate I woke you up” – the Doctor said with a childish smile on his face. The boy looked at him angrily. “What do you want?” – the boy mumbled and the Doctor just put his hand on his head and started jumping around the place. “Some jammie dodgers. Jammie dodgers are cool” His voice was full of energy and that was just something he was showing because all he could think of was the bed where he was going to sleep after he got home.

While waiting for the boy to bring him what he ordered he just stood there, moving his weight from a leg to another with the same smile on his face, looking around. He thought of buying something more for Clara and the little lord who was not going to be named Doctor, but he just couldn’t find anything that would apply to his wishes. The boy brought him the jammie dodgers, he paid and he left almost running to the car. He was already late and he didn’t want Clara alone one more second. He quickly opened the door of the car, started the engine and headed home. 

The Doctor was driving and he was so focused on the road he could see every rock he was passing by. He looked at the jammie dodgers that were sitting next to him and he smiled, proud of himself. He looked at the clock and he saw he was late fifteen minutes so far, but he would arrive home in five minutes and he will hold her in his arms while watching something and eating jammie dodgers. When he looked back he saw a car coming, lights going in his eyes and he couldn’t see anything. The road became a dark line in front of him, the wheel from the car started to move in all the directions. He tried to reach it but he couldn’t; he tried to scream, but the words got stuck in his throat. He slowly closed his eyes so that he could see better and make the two cars avoid each other. He looked for the sonic screw driver in his pocket, but he couldn’t find it. The other car honked, but it was too late. As the Doctor took the jammie dodgers in his arms he felt his body shake, being afraid. “Clara. I am sorry” – he whispered and then he felt his body thrown from one sit to another as the car was moving from left to right. 

Everything became mute and he heard nothing but the beating of his hearts. He started feeling the energy of the regeneration progress while the car was still moving. _No. Not now_ \- he thought as he tried to stop it, to control it. But he didn’t manage it and his hands were shining because of the yellow light. And then it all stopped when the car stopped in a tree and the wheel from the car entered his chest together with some glass from the windscreen. He started breathing heavier and heavier as the time passed and he looked at his hands that were same as before: no more regeneration energy, no changes. His pain hurt more than before and he felt like one of his hearts stopped beating. When he tried to move the glass from his chest sent pain all over his body. He stayed there, in his sit, trying to find a way of getting out. The time lord couldn’t feel his legs, his hands, nothing. 

He closed his eyes, with only one heart beating left and breathed so hard. By closing his eyes all he could see was Clara and the baby staying in bed, waiting for him to bring her the jammie dodgers. He was late, like he always was. Never able to keep a promise, never able to be there on time. “Clara” – he mumbled, but the words barely came out of his mouth. Then he saw the picture he and Clara always imagined: the three of them around the console in the TARDIS, the Doctor holding his son and pulling together the levers. He found it so difficult to breathe the air that smelled of gasoline, the smoke coming out of the engine. 

The Doctor tried to open his eyes and through his eyelids he saw red and blue lights wandering around, with no shape. He thought he was seeing aliens, the TARDIS maybe that came to save him. He managed to keep the jammie dodgers in his arms before the accident and now he was holding them close to his one heart that was barely beating. The door of the car opened and someone grabbed him out, laying him down on the ground. “Mate, I am sorry, I didn’t see you coming. I think you fell asleep” – a silhouette said and the Doctor did nothing but shook his head no. His breath was almost inexistent and another brunette silhouette stayed by him and took his pulse. “His pulse is so weak. We have to take him to the hospital” – the woman said like it was something bad. The Doctor managed to squeeze her hand and he gave her the jammie dodgers. “Clara Oswald” – he managed to say and then he closed his eyes, the blue and red colors turning into darkness, his hand laying down on the cold, hard ground, his heart went from one beating per second to none and the only thing he could see was Clara, him and the baby around the console in the TARDIS waiting for great adventures, all of them smiling large.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I didn't disappoint any of you with my writing and I am sorry if the scene wasn't written as you expected or didn't happen as you expected. 
> 
> Now, I really need opinions on this chapter, so please leave a comment or kudos or anything. I take any kind of review. I just need to know, because this chapter was supposed to be well written.


	3. From Good to Gone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My intention on this chapter was to give you a lot of feels. I don't know if I succeeded or not, but I know that I started crying while writing this.

She heard the doorbell like in a dream, but she didn’t try to move. Her hand was still on her tummy and when she opened her eyes she realized she fell asleep counting the minutes, looking at the clock. And then Clara remembered she fell asleep with one question in her mind: _How long is he going to be gone? How many years before he comes back?_ But then she heard the doorbell still ringing so she got up and went downstairs, breathing normally, surprised that the Doctor didn’t answer it. He wouldn’t have let the bell ringing more than once because he knew it would wake her up. The baby was not kicking or moving or just having cravings. It felt like he was preparing for something. 

“Doctor?” – she asked before going to the door. He wasn’t home and she started feeling worried, her head picturing a lot of things as she was walking around. “Doctor?” – she kept saying going in the bathroom and then in the living room, thinking he may have fell asleep there. She looked outside the window and she saw the TARDIS parked in the garden in the same place as it always was. It seemed like the Doctor pulled the exact lever he had to. For a moment she smiled proud, but now she had to find him. The doorbell stopped ringing, and the person there started knocking on the door. If it was the Doctor he would have shouted her name so she was sure he wasn’t. Now Clara was worried, because the TARDIS was in the garden and the Doctor wasn’t anywhere around the house.

She stopped thinking when the baby moved a little and she placed her hand on her belly and went to open the door. When she did she raised an eyebrow and was shocked when she saw the police. “I am sorry; can I help you with something?” The woman in front of her was brunette almost the same hair color as her. “We are looking for Clara Oswald” – the woman said, her voice was all professional and it gave Clara chills on her skin. She didn’t say anything for a moment and then she just nodded. “That’s me. What’s wrong?” Her voice was calm and she tried not to think about anything bad, she tried to keep the worst thought away from her mind and she just hoped this woman would talk quicker so that she could stay calm in bed and wait for the Doctor. 

“I am afraid there has been an accident and your car has been smashed” – the woman said as she took a picture out of her bag and put it in front of Clara. She crippled. That was her car, but she never got out of the house, she hadn’t used that car in ages. “This is my car, but it makes no sense, I haven’t used it in ages. The last time I actually drove that car was last year when I went on a trip with my...” – she stopped all of a sudden, because she didn’t have any idea how to call the Doctor. He wasn’t her husband, or her partner. “...boyfriend” – she ended the sentence and then she felt like her heart was beating faster. They went on a trip by car so that she could show the Doctor how was to be actually human and spend hours on the road and not some minutes. And they never did it again, because the Doctor couldn’t stop moving in the car, saying he needs some action. Clara smiled at the memory, but then she focused on the woman in front of her. “Who was driving it?” – she said her heart started pounding in her chest.

The woman shrugged. “A young man. We couldn’t identify him in our computer base” Clara started breathing harder and she turned to look in the direction where the car keys used to be. And they weren’t there. Clara became worried that her Doctor was somewhere injured and that he regenerated and couldn’t find the way home. “Was he wearing a bow tie?” – Clara asked and the woman nodded right after. “I am afraid he didn’t make it” Clara frowned and she became totally scared of the woman’s words. The baby kicked her and the pain struck all her body. She closed her eyes to calm it down and tried not to let fear take over her body. “What do you mean he didn’t make it? Where is he?” Her voice started going from calm to desperate. “He is dead, Ms. Oswald. I am sorry” 

The words made Clara lean against the door. She felt like she couldn’t stay on her feet and the baby started moving in her tummy. She put her hand over it, but it wasn’t enough. She felt like she couldn’t breathe and the thought of the Doctor being dead was something she couldn’t bear. She closed her eyes and told herself that there is no way that happened, but then she looked again at the car keys missing and she remembered the TARDIS parked in the same place. Clara tried to control the tears in her eyes, because she couldn’t be so stupid to believe it. After she opened her eyes, the police woman was still there and Clara knuckled away the tears that were on her cheeks. “I want to see the body” – she said serious and at the same time destroyed. The police woman nodded and Clara followed her on the way to the police car. 

She looked at the place where her car was supposed to be parked, wishing for this to be a dream, wishing for everything to be a stupid joke, a lie. But the car wasn’t there. After some moments she found herself in the police car, but she didn’t remember getting there. The first view she had when she looked on the window of the car was their bedroom. Clara smiled when she saw at that window two shadows kissing, the man’s lips going on the woman’s shoulders and then biting gently her neck, he put his arms around her. She could see the smile on the woman’s face as he was hiding his head in her long hair and covering her skin with soft kisses. Clara sighed and turned her head to see more of that beautiful couple who seemed to be so happy, but as the car was getting away from her house the couple disappeared and everything seemed to be the same as she left it. Clara looked down because she didn’t dare ask more questions. _He can’t be dead. He is not dead_ – she kept telling herself. He should have regenerated. His body would change, but he would still be the Doctor and Clara knew he would make her fall in love with him immediately. 

She didn’t even realize when they arrived at the morgue. The police woman opened the door of the car and helped Clara get off it. She took a deep breath and with a hand on her tummy she kept praying that he wasn’t dead and that it was just a coincidence that the man driving her car was wearing a bow tie. The police woman took her to the place where the body of the man was kept and for a moment she hesitated. “If you don’t want to do this, it’s okay. I don’t think that’s indicated in your condition” – the woman said looking at her belly. Clara didn’t say anything. Most likely it didn’t take much to a person to realize that she was pregnant, because she was always keep her hand on her belly, protecting her baby. After a few seconds, Clara shook her head. “No, I am fine. I need to know. We are fine” – she said and kept walking slowly, her legs taken by the fear.

The woman took Clara in a room where there was only one body in the middle of it and no one around. Clara crippled for a moment when she saw a shape covered by a white sheet. She stopped in the door and felt like she couldn’t make another step closer. What if that was her Doctor? What if he couldn’t regenerate? She closed her eyes and tried to get enough courage to make another step. She flinched when she felt the police woman’s hand around her waist. “Do you want to be alone?” Clara nodded and the woman left in the next moment, saying that she would be right at the door and Clara heard her like it was a dream. 

She got closer to the body and put a hand on the sheet that was covering it. “Please, don’t be the Doctor” – she said as she closed her eyes and let the tears fell on the white material. Clara put her hands on the sheet and with her eyes closed she removed it. She was afraid to open them, afraid to what it was in front of her eyes. She thrust out her hand and felt the cold skin of the body, putting her hand on the face. She opened her eyes slowly and the first thing she saw was the cold eyes closed and the purple lips. “No...” – she managed to say when she saw his chin. She didn’t feel her eyes full of tears, but she just felt the tears going down her face. “Open your eyes, please” She removed the sheet until she saw his bow tie and then his shirt. “No, please, no” 

His skin was white and his body was not moving, lying down on that table. His chest was not giving the clue that he was breathing. He was just there, not moving, not alive. Clara fondled his face with her hand as she always did and then placed her head on his chest, wrapping her arms around his waist. She waited for his hearts to beat, for those eyes to open, for his voice to cover this silence that was killing her. But there was no sound. His hearts were not beating; there was no moving of his body. “Doctor, you can’t leave us. We need you. I need you” When she looked up she saw his chin and she started shook her head. “Doctor, you can’t leave me like this. Doctor, please. Come back. You always do. You are the mad man, my chin boy. And I am your impossible girl. We do impossible things. Don’t do this to me, please” – she begged him as she squeezed his hand that was staying still, no moves, no reactions. 

She took her head from her chest and looked at his pale face. She put her forehead against his and her tears fell on his face. Clara felt like she couldn’t breathe anymore. There was too much pain, too many tears; her heart was torn into pieces. “Regenerate” – she muttered as she kissed his cold forehead, thing that made her body shiver. “Don’t leave me and regenerate” – she whispered again smiling with tears on her face that didn’t get to disappear because others took their place. Clara put her hands on his shoulders “Regenerate” – she yelled through the tears and the police woman came in the room and caught her before she fell. Clara felt arms around her, but she couldn’t take her eyes off the Doctor’s dead body, lying there. “No, no, no, no” – she kept saying as the police woman took her out of the room, the only image in her mind was the Doctor’s dead body.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, now that you read the chapter would you mind telling me your opinion on it? Pretty, pretty please?


	4. Why you'd leave the stage in the middle of our song?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the longest chapter of this fanfic I am sorry, but I just couldn't make it shorter.

The coffee cup she was holding in her hands was so hot it actually reminded her she was still alive, because she was feeling quite the opposite. Clara felt like she was dead, like her heart was ripped out by a soulless person who had no mercy on her or on the Doctor. Her breath was regular even though she felt nothing. Nothing but the pain in her tummy she chose to ignore. The tears on her face were dry and there was only a track that she had been crying for hours. She was looking straight, her eyes empty, the only image she was having in front of her eyes was her and the Doctor around the console. 

She heard footsteps approaching, but she ignored that and she wanted to be ignored too. As Clara was fondling the cup of coffee she was holding, she felt someone sat near her, but she ignored the person, the image of the Doctor lying on that table, dead came quickly in her mind. Clara kept asking herself why this had to happen, why now when she was pregnant and they were so happy. Why when everything was perfect. She just looked down, moving a little on that uncomfortable chair, waiting. And she didn’t know what she was waiting for. Maybe the Doctor to come out of that room all laughing and shouting ‘Gotcha! Clara Oswald you should have seen your face’. 

For a moment her lips curved into a small smile when she actually thought this would happen. “Are you feeling better?” – a voice broke her thoughts. She recognized it and she wasn’t the voice she had expected so she didn’t try to turn her head to see who was talking. She shook her head no, because she couldn’t find the words to say a simple word. Everything seemed to be stuck and destroyed and she felt like she was dead too. 

Clara felt a hand on her wrist, but she didn’t look down, she just kept looking on the window of the room where the Doctor was. She couldn’t see anything because of the shutters, but she already had that image in her mind and she didn’t need anything more. “I will take you home” – the woman next to her said, but Clara quickly turned her hand so that she could look at her. “I am not going anywhere. We need to prepare his funeral” – she said, her voice sounded like she hadn’t been speaking for ages and the sadness could be heard in every word she said. 

The police woman nodded and brought Clara some water from a device which was near her, but she hadn’t seen it until now. After she dropped the coffee cup in the bin, she put one hand on her tummy, the pain still present so she tried to make the baby feel better, whispering him lies that everything was going to be okay. “You should see a doctor and check if you are okay” – the police woman said and Clara quickly shook her head. “No...It is okay, all I have to do is rest” – she said looking down, fondling her belly, trying to fake a smile.

Clara tried to get up from that uncomfortable chair, but when she did, the room started twirling and she couldn’t see clearly in front of her eyes. She felt her legs couldn’t keep her body anymore and she felt she was about to fall, but a pair of arms were there to catch her. After she was back on the uncomfortable chair, the police woman brought her a pill and she took it immediately with some water. The pain in her tummy started to disappear and she felt like she could actually smile. 

“Thank you” – she mumbled to the police woman. She really felt better. Her belly stopped hurting and she felt like she could actually think straight. But her heart was still broken, her heart was still beating slowly and everything she could think about was the reason the Doctor was dead. “I need to prepare the funeral” – Clara said as she stood up, but the woman stopped her. “Don’t worry. Me and my colleagues will do that and I will call you when everything is ready” – the woman said on a kind voice with a smile on her face.  


Clara nodded and put a hand through her hair trying to pull herself up and go home to make a shower and change because she was stinking. “I should go home. Can you call me a cab?” The woman nodded and Clara stood up heading to the exit of the morgue. She took the last look at the room where the Doctor was and she tried not to cry, but she couldn’t help herself so she just left, her heels distracting her from any thoughts. 

When she got out the police woman was holding the door of the cab open with a smile on her face. Clara faked a smile back and before entering the cab she just wanted to know how they found her. “How did you find me?” – she asked on a calm tone, trying to sound as normal as possible. The woman looked down and got something from a bag she was carrying. “He said your name. The last thing he said was your name and he gave me this” – the woman said, giving Clara the box of jammie dodgers. 

Clara felt like she couldn’t breathe and she just took the box without any other words. After she told the driver where to take her she just stared at the box of jammie dodgers that was staying on her legs, passing her hand on the box, letting tears fall on it. She tried to hold the tears; she tried to hold her breath until she got home and she succeeded for some seconds, enough to get out of the cab. She looked again at the window where she saw the couple kissing, but there was nothing now. No shadows, no happiness, no kissing. Everything that remained was loneliness, both in that room and in Clara’s heart. 

While going to open the door she heard a strange sound from the garden and then when she turned she saw the TARDIS there, more alone than it was before. For a moment she pitied it, but in a way she understood her because they both lost their Doctor. Clara couldn’t help but going next to it, fondling the door, but not trying to pull it. She couldn’t bear seeing it empty. 

But the TARDIS’ door opened and Clara felt tears running down her cheeks as she entered the console room that didn’t change, the levers that still waited for someone to pull them. Clara started crying louder because she remembered the Doctor didn’t take the TARDIS, the Doctor chose the car to go and bring her jammie dodgers. When she saw the levers and the console room as same as always Clara sat down near it, remembering how laughter and adventures used to fill this silence, how the Doctor’s dance around the console used to leave memories behind. 

“You should have taken him away! You should have stopped him” – Clara said, blaming the TARDIS. “You could have! I couldn’t! If I could I would have stopped him. Bloody jammie dodgers” – she continued, tears falling down her cheeks and on the floor of the console room. “It’s your fault, you bloody old cow! You could have stopped his death. He would be alive if you took him away like you always did” Clara couldn’t stop. By the time she finished she was already screaming, her words were not so clear because of the sobbing and she just couldn’t help all the pain she was having in her heart for losing the man she loved. 

She closed her eyes and breathed faster, trying to calm down and when she opened them she found a letter near her with her name on the envelope. The envelope had the color of the TARDIS and for a moment her heart stopped breathing when she recognized the Doctor’s writing when she opened it. As she started reading it, his voice was in her mind and tears were falling from her eyes on the paper. 

_Clara. My Clara,_

_If you read this, it means that the TARDIS did its job. I told her that no matter how old I am, no matter how many times I’ve regenerated since I last saw you, this letter should be in your hands when the day should come. I am writing this during my eleventh regeneration so I don’t know if you met or would meet another me. I guess I just wanted to remember everything well and not forget a thing about anything._

_But if you are reading this, the TARDIS knows I am no longer among any creature of this universe and all the other universes. Clara, it means I am dead and I am sorry. I should have tried to save myself; I should have tried to come back to you as I promised, because my only promise to you was that I would always be back. I am sorry, Clara, but I just want you to know that I loved you more than any living creature in your universe. My love for you was impossible to be felt by any other human because it required two hearts._

_Oh, and now I am crying. I am not supposed to cry. You know what is funny? I am writing my goodbye letter to you and you are preparing for another Wednesday of adventures. I hope I will pull the right lever and be there when you wait for me, because you don’t know how painful it is to see the person you love not remember you, to want to tell how much you missed her and not be able to. To feel both your hearts pounding and can’t even hug her. That’s what I felt every time I saw you and you just asked who I was. I just imagine bumping into an echo of yours that is married and has children that are not mine; being happy with a man that is not me and my hearts would just break into pieces because of it._

_I should tell you that I would give up the TARDIS and all the time traveling and the world saving if I could just settle down with you and try to have a what you, humans, call a normal life. It would be difficult of course, but I would make our house so comfortable with things from alien planets. I would buy you a carpet that makes you smile every morning when you wake up, because your smile is what I want to see every morning you would get up._

_And now I really want this to happen. I would do it. I hope you are not crying, because you don’t have to. The TARDIS brought you this letter and you can take it to adventures, you can find my past selves and have adventures with me. I will still be your chin boy. The TARDIS will take you to places I didn’t have time to show you. You would be her new thief and she would steal you too and you would run away. My girls getting along. The two most important things in my universe, the ones I love more than myself continuing the things I didn’t have time to do._

_If you don’t want to, I am not going to blame you. I am not going to blame you for wanting a new life, maybe get married, have children, do the things humans do. The TARDIS has a lever that sends it away in time and space. You can pull it and quickly get out and she will disappear forever. You can do that, but make sure you will have me in your memory like I always had you. I am sure the last face when I died was you and me around the console of the TARDIS._

_I’ve seen so much, Clara and I’ve been to so many places, places you couldn’t imagine, places I didn’t have time to take you and places I’ve kept you away from. And all I can say is that the period I spent with you on Earth and on other planets were the most beautiful moments in all the years that I lived and I never forgot you. The most beautiful escape I had was when I was holding your hand. You might think that I was the one who kept you safe. No. It was you, Clara. You kept us both safe just by your breath, just by your smile, just by calling my name._

_And now that I am dead I want one single thing for you: be happy and if you can’t at least promise me that you will try. Promise me that you will try to have your life back, not forget about me and not pretend that never happen. Just try to move on and keep me in your memories. That’s all I ask. And another thing: don’t forget me. Please don’t forget your chin boy._

_Your madman with a box,_

_Doctor._

 

She let the letter down and leaned against the console with the tears all over the letter and all over her clothes, with her heart barely beating. She couldn’t believe the Doctor wrote that without knowing what was going to happen. Clara tried to stop crying and she tried not to blame the TARDIS, but she couldn’t do what the Doctor wants. They never got along so why would they now? She couldn’t imagine her becoming another Doctor. 

Clara shook her head and got up looking for the lever the Doctor was talking in his letter. She made sure the doors were still open so that she could run after she found it. Walking around the console she found the lever she had been looking for. She touched it gently; afraid she would pull it when she didn’t want to. She could keep the TARDIS here in the garden, but that would be the most painful memory she could have of the Doctor so she chose she would send the TARDIS away to other adventures. 

She looked up at the console and even though her eyes were full of tears and her body was shaking she smiled. “You know this is the best for both of us. I am sorry. We had the best of times. You, me and the Doctor, but without the Doctor I can’t do this anymore. I can’t” – Clara said crying, looking for the lever and pulling it slowly. When she heard the materializing sound she quickly ran out of the TARDIS and fell on the ground, leaning against the door of the blue box. Clara looked up at the sky and moved her lips into ‘I am sorry’ and kept repeating it until she couldn’t feel the TARDIS behind her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am waiting feedback, please. Especially on the letter - that was the most difficult part of the whole chapter.


	5. Here comes goodbye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally posted the next chapter. I am sorry I made you wait so much, but I hope it will be worth it.

Clara let herself fall on the cold ground, the grass playing between her fingers. She closed her eyes, the letter still in her hand, and she tried to forget about everything. She wanted to open her eyes and meet the Doctor’s smile, to feel his arms around her waist, kissing her head and hiding his smile behind her hair. But when she opened her eyes there was nothing changed. The sky had the same color, a pale blue with clouds covering half of the sun, the grass felt the same and her heart was still broken, crying after the one she loved. She wiped away the tears from her cheeks and stood up, clearing her jeans from dust. 

Soon after she stood up, the phone in her pocket started ringing. At first, Clara wanted to ignore it, to stay there and keep thinking about what she had lost, about what she could have had if she didn’t want those jammie dodgers. She placed her hand on her tummy asking herself for a moment why the baby was so calm and quiet. Was he crying because he knew he lost his father? Was he dead? No, she needed to take away that thought. Clara started fondling her belly and took the phone from her pocket that was still ringing. She saw that it was the woman from the police and for a moment she didn’t want to answer. 

“Yes, I am okay” – she answered the usual question that was asked in moments like this. Even though it was a lie she knew she needed to say it in order to try to believe it. But how would she believe it if every muscle from her body told her the contrary? The woman’s voice was passing through Clara’s ears, words that made no sense and questions without answers. The only thing she understood from everything that woman said was that everything for the funeral was ready and that she needed to get dressed as soon as possible and get back to the morgue. “I will get there. I will” – she said with a nod, pressing her palms to her eyes in order to stop the tears from coming. When that voice stopped talking, she let the phone fall from her hands on the grass and took a look at the letter again. She tried to read it again, but when she read the first words, she burst into tears and ran into the house with one hand on her tummy and the other keeping the letter. It was the only thing she couldn’t let go. 

She ran up the stairs and jumped in the bed, hiding her head in the Doctor’s pillow, letting the tears fall on the white material. After a few minutes of constantly crying she got up, knuckling away the tears with the quilt. She looked in the direction of the opened wardrobe looking for a black piece of clothing. Her eyes stopped on a dress she had never wore, because she didn’t have the chance. The Doctor bought it for her after a year of living together and she could remember that day like it was last week. 

_Clara got home and the whole house was dark and silent, the TARDIS parked at its place as usual, but no trace of the Doctor. She didn’t bother to shout his name, because she was sure he wasn’t home. He couldn’t stay silent. Not a minute. Not ever. She placed her purse on the back of a chair in the kitchen and turned on the light. The Doctor was nowhere and she became worried. It was not like the Doctor to just disappear without the TARDIS. She shrugged and after a few moments she heard a small noise upstairs, noise she heard by accident. “Doctor?” – she called out his name and headed up the stairs until the door of their bedroom. She opened the door slowly and saw the Doctor there, sleeping. Clara raised her eyebrow and stayed there, in the door, shocked. The Doctor was never sleeping, not even at night when they were staying in each other’s arms. She approached the bed slowly, careful not to make any sound. When she stepped on the comfortable material of the carpet on the floor, a laugh escaped her mouth. That was the Doctor’s intention._

_She stared at the Doctor for a moment, making sure she didn’t wake him up, watching carefully for any move. She stepped forward, with her arms crossed, and when she was closer to the bed, the Doctor stood up quickly and wrapped his arms around her. Clara screamed as the Doctor put her on the bed and when he pressed his lips on her, she just laughed. “Oi!” – she said pushing him – “you startled me!” The look in the Doctor’s eyes made her laugh and she took his face in her hand and pressed her lips on his forehead. “What are you doing?”_

_When Clara said those words, the Doctor jumped from the bed. “I have been waiting for you to ask me that. What do you think I am doing, eh?” – he turned around in a pirouette and Clara started laughing and shrugged. The Doctor put his hands in his pockets, looking disappointed. “I am making you laugh. See? You are laughing” Clara raised her eyebrow and grinned. “By startling me to death?” The Doctor shrugged and made a weary face. “You should know that there are planets where that works”_

_Clara got up of bed and ran near him, putting her hands around his neck as he placed his hands around her waist, both glancing at each other. “I should remind you that this is planet Earth” She moved a little in his arms and then she looked at him again. “Now, what are you really doing?” He started turning around when she asked again and opened the wardrobe laughing. “Tell me what you see” – he said enthusiastically. Clara looked at the wardrobe and shook her head. “My clothes” – she said._

_The Doctor made a weary face and shook his head soon after. “No...” – he said as he went near her, placing his hands on her waist and taking her in front of the opened doors of the wardrobe. “Look closer” Clara looked at him and then at the clothes and then back at him. “My clothes, Doctor. That’s my wardrobe; therefore I am pretty sure those are my clothes.” The Doctor sighed. “I never said they weren’t” Clara frowned. “What are you on about?” The Doctor rolled his eyes and took from the wardrobe a beautiful black dress, the sleeves being from a very soft material and with a belt around the waist._

_Clara made big eyes when she saw the dress, the words not coming out of her throat. The Doctor smiled and turned around in a pirouette with her, placing it on Clara’s body. “Eh he, do you like it?” Clara laughed taking the dress, turning around with it. “Yes, it’s beautiful. What is it for?” – she asked, glancing at him. The Doctor took the dress from her hands and put it in the wardrobe. “That, my Clara, is a dress for a special occasion. You are going to wear it only when something important happens. Something impossible, let’s say” – the Doctor said as he took her in his arms and placed her softly on the bed, kissing her lips gently. Clara nodded and smiled, fondling the Doctor’s cheek with her thumb and then looking at the only black dress she had._

A tear fell on her cheek and nothing changed, except that she was alone in the room. There was no Doctor to hold her in his arms, no lips to be pressed on her forehead and no smile to make her smile back. She took a deep breath and got up, taking the dress from the wardrobe. Clara never took that dress since the Doctor put it there years ago. Until now, nothing impossible happened. But now the Doctor was dead and it was the most impossible fact she imagined. It was the thing she couldn’t accept. Not yet. 

After she took it on her she saw how perfect it fit her body even though more than three years had passed. Her body didn’t change. Not even now that she was pregnant. The belt fit perfect around her waist and the black rose that was in the middle of the belt was in perfect contrast with her pale skin as well as the dress. Clara looked in the mirror and placed her hand on her tummy, turning in the mirror to see if any change happened. If it was noticeable that she was pregnant, but nothing changed. Her body was still perfect, her waist as skinny as always. She tried to smile at her reflection, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t encourage herself, not in these moments. 

Clara twisted her head into a knot, leaving two locks of hair fall on her cheek on each side, so that her collarbones became more visible than they already were. She put her hand over her bones, over her skin and closed her eyes, trying to imagine it was the Doctor’s touch, trying to comfort herself. She opened her eyes before any tear fell on her cheeks and she got out of the room, running down the stairs. When she arrived at the front door the baby kicked her and Clara leaned her head against the door, breathing faster until the pain disappeared. 

She got out of the house and took a cab, heading to the morgue without even looking back at the house. It was too painful for her to see that house empty and she needed to try and move on even though it would be the hardest thing she would do. For a moment she thought of asking someone for amnesia pills so that she would forget everything that happened with the Doctor and that this pain from her chest would just disappear and she would just live her life as she always did: her and her job with no one to love her. 

Before she could get away from her thoughts the cab driver stopped the car and asked her for money. Clara stayed where she was for a moment trying to come back to the painful reality where there was no Doctor to love her and the pain in her chest still present. She gave the money to the cab and got out of the car absent-minded and for a moment she didn’t realize where she was until she entered the building and she saw the inanimate body of the man she loved. 

Before she could even think of crying or thinking anything, Clara felt a hand on her shoulder and she flinched. “I called you, but you didn’t answer” – said a familiar voice even though Clara used some time to recognize it until she turned and saw the dark hair and brown eyes. She didn’t say anything trying to remember what she did with her phone, but then she remembered she dropped it in the grass back home. Clara shrugged and looked again through the dirty window to watch every curve of his body that the sheet was covering. 

“What do you want to be written on the gravestone?” Clara looked back at the woman and she stayed there for a moment, crippled, thinking about what the question meant. She put a hand on her tummy when she felt the baby moving and tried not to make any sudden moves until the baby calmed down. Words were lies, that’s what she learned from Madame Vastra and she wanted to choose only one word to express both her grief and the Doctor’s happiness for going on another adventure, this time alone. 

Clara turned and murmured something in the woman’s ear and that woman looked really confused because she didn’t understand the meaning of the word. “If that’s what you want” Clara nodded and then the woman kept asking questions. “What about the years? When was he born, how old was he?” Clara turned her head to the woman and didn’t say anything. She knew the answer, but she didn’t want to tell her and she didn’t want to invent any lie. The Doctor was the one who told the lies, not her. “Nothing. Don’t write anything regarding that information. Just write ‘The Doctor’ and the word I told you right under his name” 

Clara didn’t wait for further questions so she left, entering the room where the Doctor’s body was laying and she went and took his hand, kissing it softly, the coldness of his skin making her shiver. “I am wearing the dress you gave me years ago, because it is an impossible occasion. You can’t be dead, it’s impossible. You can’t be dead” – she murmured, her lips moving against his skin while talking. When some people came to take his body she wanted to scream that he is not dead, that it is just another prank of his, but she just let them take him, his hand flipping away from her hand. 

Half an hour later she left with the police woman to the grave yard to see the love of her life buried underground and covered with 3 meters of ground, with no chance to ever come back; not even if he regenerated. That drive was the longest drive she had ever been through and she had traveled in other universes, on other planets, in the past and in the future, but she had never felt so exhausted from a ten-minute drive. When she got out of the car she breathed the air of the death. A closed air, air that could barely left her lungs. Both she and the police woman walked in silence on the small alleys, her heels stuck in the ground every time she made another step closer. 

“How much do we have?” – Clara asked while trying to keep walking, ignoring the tears in her eyes. “Not much. Just go straight forward” They didn’t walk for much longer and when the police woman told her to stop she stopped and raised her look watching the place where the Doctor’s grave was placed: under a big tree, surrounded by grass and Clara imagined how this place was going to look in spring and in autumn and a smile appeared in the corner of her lips. 

She didn’t have time to smile because the people from the morgue came with the coffin, now closed, and they slowly placed it in the hole, but the image in front of her became blurry because of her tears and she tried to hold them back, but they kept coming. Tears that couldn’t be stopped, tears of grief, tears of regret were running down her cheeks. “No” – she mumbled for herself, crossing her arms. “No!” – she said louder, having the impression that the first time wasn’t loud enough for the Doctor to hear her, to hear her crying and her grief. 

“It’s impossible. You can’t...” – she didn’t manage to finish her sentence because of the baby that kept moving. “You can’t leave us” – she succeeded saying in the end, with a hand on her tummy and another knuckling away the tears that kept coming. She got closer to the grave when the people finished their job and they left leaving her and the police woman alone. Clara turned to the brunette and tried to smile, but she didn’t succeed. “Thank you for everything, but now I would like you to leave me alone, here. Please” The girl didn’t say anything and she left, leaving Clara near the Doctor’s grave. 

Tears kept coming, but not as many as in the beginning so that she could see how the stone was looking. It was black and made of marble and the writing was with white, color that fit perfectly against the black material. Her lips curved into a smile when she saw written **‘THE DOCTOR’** and under, written between inverted comas **“GERONIMO”**.


End file.
